it needs to happen

tomorrow is march first.
i have a lot of things that i want to do and they require money.

if i look at my finances, it is achievable.
but in my heart, it doesn't feel achievable.

how can i rectify this?

two most important things:
    •    running shoes (85)
    •    insulation (90)
    •    excel courses (90)
    •    a treat for myself (22)

i need to lock down my spending.

materialism at its worst

i hate money. i hate feeling green-eyed. i hate feeling left out.

i want something new and shiny and expensive. of course i do. i want to be able to blithely spend somewhere between two hundred and a thousand dollars on something besides my house. or my car. or debt. or bills. or traffic tickets.

its so depressing to not have anything exciting ahead of you. when parts for your dishwasher and renting a rototiller are your top priorities. when your budget can barely accommodate car insurance. when a positive change in your finances is so entirely inconceivable that when looking forward the view is bleak.

i'm restless. adventure is so far away. i'm so far behind.

a good reminder

no sooner did i consider my finances and their improvement since last year, than i looked down and realized may was one of the worst months i have had. and i even took a week off of spending*.

*the no spend week—i'll confess that until this month i had never successfully done it, but i had tried. this month the d. and myself went in on it and were surprisingly successful. as i say, having a partner-in-crime is a good thing (romantic or not). we started monday and i held out until saturday when i went down to the farmer's market. sunday i used my debit card for the first time in six days and it felt foreign. there are a lot of things to do without spending money, i highly recommend trying it out.

that aside, may was a disaster. my upgraded phone bill and new phone charges came through, my car tabs, my house insulation, an epic trip to portland, a wine tasting weekend and a day where i put gas in three different cars. truthfully i am impressed that i haven't over drafted, but early rent and a random paid gig are pulling me through.

jesus. i was going to ignore it (money is the ultimate ignorance is bliss). but a flurry of motivation instead found me constructing an entirely new spreadsheet for tracking my expenses and *gasp* finally using www.mint.com*—which everyone raves about and i've had forever and frankly been somewhat blase about its usefulness.

so i have a new document that has all sorts of snazzy computations and a better concept of how i have been spending and where i've been going off track. i am nearing the start of a month and i am hoping to get off on the right foot. finding places to save where i can, contemplating far more nights in and rounding up all the clutter i don't need for a yard sale.

money is exhausting, just goes to show its a never ending job.

pink floyd was right

money is a noxious item. it poisons peoples minds, interferes with relationships, affects one's self worth. it inspires jealousy and small-mindedness. it motivates for the most basest of reasons.

somedays i find myself just sick of it.

my finances are better off than they were a year ago and for that i am thankful. the post-college struggle with budgets and credit and bills sounds nearly universal (—but that is probably an overstatement made by a lazy writer.)

i've been actively working on my finances for the past six months.

i will confess that almost any of my success is due to a shifting of my perspective. once i decided to split my mortgage payment to coincide with my pay schedule, everything made a lot more sense. from there i split up my monthly bills into similar chunks and i have a pretty decent bi-monthly schedule. i even threw a modest amount at my savings account.

at the moment i think the sum of the advice i have to offer is:

• find a way to see your finances in a manner that suits your style of thinking or your monthly income schedule.
• if you are even moderately overwhelmed by credit card debt, take a look at www.careonecredit.com.
• find someone to work on fiscal responsibility with, there are a lot of us in this situation. 
• do everything possible to pay your bills on-time and avoid places like MoneyTree et. al.
• having your finances in good shape will do wonders for your self-esteem.